I'll Always Need You
by TheStendanExperience
Summary: Summary: While in prison, Brendan gets a surprise visitor. Credit for the lovely cover to this one-shot goes to nannygirl(Prissy).


**Disclaimer: I do not own Hollyoaks. Trust me, if I did Stendan would've been married and their kids (Declan, Paddy, Leah, and Lucas) would've been with them.**

**Summary: While in prison, Brendan gets a surprise visitor.**

**Forgive me if I seem to have anything out of character. I only watched the Stendan storyline and after Brendan's arrest, I stopped.**

**Spoilers: The whole Stendan story line; however it cuts off after Brendan goes to jail. Meaning whatever Ste is doing now isn't relevant. All I know is that he is going downward and that he is living with Sinead with her daughter Katie and dealing drugs. But everything else is me taking liberties and can be considered alternate events.**

* * *

Brendan Brady snapped his head towards the sound of the clanking of his cell door. Ever since he confessed to the murders he had committed it seemed as if time stopped. Time had become a never-ending blur to him.

_Time had ceased to matter. _

What did time matter to him? He knew he would never see the light of day or the five beloved people that would always be on his mind and would forever remain in his heart.

Brendan shook himself out of his angst-filled thoughts as the guard barked at him. "Looks like it's your lucky day. You have a visitor, Brady!" Brendan could hear the malice in the guard's voice and it didn't take a genius to figure out why. Brendan winced as the aluminium door slammed behind him. He sighed, dropped his few belongings on the thin cot in front of him and contemplated on whether or not he should turn the visitor away.

He thought of denying the visitor as he had done with Steven and Cheryl, but Brendan had this feeling he needed to accept this visit. Looking into the guards eyes with his own icy blue eyes, he nodded his acceptance and stood up.

As he walked he heard the usual yelling and hollering that went on as he made his way to the visiting area. Slowly he began to walk down the hallway, its lighting was even worse than the other rooms. Each step he took he felt his stomach become more and more uneasy. The hallway stretched out and seemed never ending even though it had only taken him less than twenty steps to reach the other end. He stood in front of the door that led to the visiting area, took a deep breath and got ready to enter.

Brendan readied himself to tell whomever it was that he didn't want to see them as he pulled out a plastic blue chair that sat at the furthest table in the equally just as drab visiting area.

He could vaguely hear the visitors being checked to see if they had anything suspicious on them or any contraband. He waited until he heard footsteps nearing the table. Brendan couldn't help but wonder who would visit him. He had barred the two people he knew who would try to visit. He wanted Cheryl to live the life she had always deserved and for Steven to move on. He had never deserved the fiery, yet shy and compassionate young man. He was aware that Steven hadn't always been that way and that he had been a troublemaker and an abuser, sadly. It was something Brendan never justified; just like he had never justified the abuse he put Steven through. Yes, he and Steven had crappy and shitty upbringings, but other people have gone through the same thing and they did better and dealt with it better.

His heart ached as he recalled Steven being pulled away from him.

'_You changed everything, Steven! Everything!' _

And that was true. He had cared about Vinnie and felt immense guilt for his death. Maybe if he had treated Vinnie like a human being instead of shit that you would find in the dumpster; he may not have ever made the pass at Danny.

But Steven made him fall hard. In ways, he never expected it and in other ways he did. He had never gone to such length to manipulate so many people for his other conquests like he did with Steven.

He was dwelling on so many things in his life while he waited for his visitor.

He could now hear the visitors entering the visiting room. He glanced up and then soon found himself in shock, while his heart swelled with love and affection.

A figure with blonde hair and blue-greenish eyes as he walked towards Brendan. He looked to be only fifteen. Sixteen at most.

Brendan had no recollection of jumping up from the blue plastic chair and pulling the young lad into a suffocating hug and a kiss on a pale, ivory forehead. He felt tears swimming in his eyes and tried his best to keep them in.

One name.

One being.

One he treasured.

"Declan…"

"Da!" The boy in his arms sniffled and hugged his dad just as ferociously as his dad was hugging him. After a few long seconds they took their seats. Declan took in the sight of his dad. Declan noticed the bags under his eyes and the full beard he grew out. Declan would never admit it, but he preferred the full beard to the weird moustache.

After a few moments of taking in the other and noticing the differences and the familiar Brendan found himself asking his eldest. Declan was still the same tall, lanky, yet scrawny boy he had raised. Blonde hair like Cheryl; blue-greenish eyes like Brendan.

A hope raised in his chest that maybe…just maybe…his other son, his youngest, came with his brother. He stared at the door, just hoping Padraig came with Declan.

Declan noticed. When Padraig barged into his room back at their mams place and found his older brother packing everything little necessity into his duffel bag, he had immediately knew where he was running off to. Paddy didn't waste any time begging his brother to let him come along, to which Declan said no and then stated that their mam needed one of them.

"_Tell Da that I miss him and I wanted to come along with ye. Will ye, Deccy?"_ was the plea Paddy made to him as he walked away from their mams home.

He cleared his throat bringing his dads attention back to him. He smiled as he replied. "Ye know Paddy wanted to come. He begged me to let him come along, but I wouldn't let him. Told him that Mam needed him."

Brendan gazed at his son. "Good on ye, Deccy. How is Paddy and yer Mam doin'? She still with that loser Donovan?"

The boy shook his head in a negative fashion. "Not anymore. She found him cheatin' on her with two other females. Never liked him anyway. Good riddance if ye ask me." He smirked in glee. Brendan raised an eyebrow.

"Yer mam told me ye both liked him and got along with him?" A feeling of malicious glee and victory made itself know and his son knew him too well.

Declan scoffed and bitterly stated to his dad. "Was it before or after she find out ye lied to Aunt Chez about who cheated on who?" He snarked out.

He sighed. "I deserved that. I do."

"C'mon Da. We both know that if I liked Michael Donovan liked she claimed I wouldn't have repeatedly ran away to ye, would I?" was his smart aleck answer to his dad, who genuinely looked surprised by this little fact.

The possibility of Michael fuckin' Donovan taking and encroaching his role as 'Da' to his boys had always been a big and huge insecurity for him and it was one that only Steven knew of.

Brendan knew his son came here for answers to complicated questions. His heart broke as he gazed into his sons eyes. He never wanted his sons to be mixed up in his dodgy 'business', but on a certain level he knew Declan and Padraig had known what he actually did besides owning and managing Chez Chez. He knew that they had eavesdropped on many conversations -arguments- between him and Eileen about his dodgy occupation. Granted, Padraig had been young and Declan had to explain to him in simplistic terms. But Paddy got the gist of what he did.

His boys were smart. They could figure it out all on their own and he knew that they were always persistent. If something caught their interest they persisted and if they couldn't find the answers, they would snoop around until they got their answers.

….and Brendan knew Declan snooped around Eileen. Possibly Cheryl.

Declan looked around to make sure the guards weren't looking at him and his dad. Seeing that they were safe, Declan clamped his hand on his dads and gave him a reassuring smile.

However, Brendan knew his son was holding back his tears and his whimpering. And sure enough not even five second later Declan reassuring smile started to waver and morph into a wobbly restrained smile, blue-greenish eyes held back unshed tears that were just waiting to be released. His lips clamped shut together to prevent his anguished cries at seeing his dad in prison.

It wasn't enough. The tears rolled down pale, ivory cheeks. His eyes were red, swollen, and puffy. His teeth bit down on his bottom lip to prevent the sounds of his cries. Declan sniffled as he cried out.

Brendan heart broke as he laid his hands on his sons' arms, patting him gently. He felt his heart ache and the need and want to hold his boy was overwhelming. He wanted to tell Declan that he was a horrible, shitty father. That he always regretted never being involved in his and Paddy's upbringing due to the ghost and nightmares of Seamus. That though he may have never been an active father, his boys were always his number one along with Cheryl, Steven, Lucas, and Leah.

He was not prepared for Declan's demanding question. He could see that Declan was trying his best to gain his composure, but wasn't successful. Brendan was taken aback as Declan asked or rather demanded in a loud, harsh whisper. "WHY DID YOU NEVER TELL ME?" His voice tampered off to a lower tone. "…Why?"

Brendan didn't know what to say. There were so many reasons and explanations about each and every single crime he committed and why he had never told Declan. Couldn't his boy understand it was hard for him.

Silence reigned upon them. The blonde was starting to become impatient. Declan knew in his heart of hearts that this conversation wasn't going to be easy for his dad. But they both knew it was a conversation that had been coming a long time and was needed for them.

Brendan opened his mouth to explain, yet his demons wouldn't let him. Despite the little progress he made with Cheryl, Steven, and Father Des; he still found it hard to tell his loved ones. Nothing would come out.

Declan saw the hesitation and fear upon his dads face. He couldn't handle the secrecy from him anymore. "Da! C'mon! I deserve to know! Not just for me!" He shouted in anguish and disbelief. He couldn't fathom that his dad wouldn't tell him. He lowered his voice as he realized he had garnered everyone else's attention in the visiting area. "I'm not Paddy. I'm not ten!" Eyeing his dad and knowing that the older man wasn't going to budge anytime soon, he continued tirade of hurt and anger. "I'm sixteen, Da! Paddy deserves to know why as well. Christ, did Mam know what he did to ye? I'm guessin' not since she cried when she found out."

Brendan's eyes widened shock and sorrow were displayed so blatantly in them. _'…she was never supposed to find out.'_ Declan saw his dads reaction. He knew that no matter how bad things got between his dad and mam; they'd always still on some level love each other.

The young man cleared his throat. "I didn't want to tell ye this but Mam is furious with Aunt Cheryl. Mam blames her. Says she's not welcome to our home." He didn't let on that he agreed with his mam one hundred percent.

Brendan cleared his throat. He didn't want Eileen and Cheryl to be on the outs because of him. He'd admit that his heart warmed for a tiny second at his ex-wife anger on his behalf, but he didn't appreciate the anger aimed at Cheryl.

He searched Declan's eyes and face for any emotion that would help him understand what his son was thinking as he summoned the courage to explain why he kept the whole Seamus ordeal a secret. "I-I." He paused as he thought over his words carefully. He wondered where he should start.

Declan seemed to realize this and made a suggestion. "Alright. How about I ask what I want to know and then ye answer?" He played with the fray of his worn t-shirt sleeves. "That okay with ye?"

Brendan nodded. "Yeah, that'll work."

Father and son gave each other hesitant smiles.

Declan fiddled with his thumbs as he thought of what he should be his first question. Eyeing the ceiling, the words blurted out of his mouth like word vomit. "Did ye e'er love Mam? Did ye want to hurt her? How many times did ye cheat on her? When did ye start cheatin' on her and why?" The questions rapidly flew from his mouth. He panted as he gathered breath from firing question after question at his dad.

Brendan knew on a certain level that Eileen would be the first topic that Declan would want to cover. He had always known. And he knew it wasn't just Declan who wanted to know. He knew Paddy always wondered why he had gone to live with Cheryl and at the time when he kept going back and forth to Ireland and Liverpool.

It was the going back and forth to Dublin from Liverpool and vice versa that made Eileen suspicious; had her starting to think he was cheating on her. And she had been right. Liverpool had been where he had met his first male lover, Vinnie.

He focused his tired eyes on his eldest as he replied. "I loved yer Mam, but I was never in love with her." He saw Declan turning red and about to shout. "Deccy, ye have to understand that me and yer Mam are in our thirties and yer fifteen. Ye do the math. Yer Mam got pregnant with Niamh and when we were young ones ourselves and we were forced to marry. I know yer Mam loved me too. And no, I ne'er wanted to hurt her. Ye and yer Mam have no clue how many times I ran it through my head that I should jus' ask for a divorce, but I didn't want to do that to her and to ye and Paddy." He blew out out a breath and had to think how many lovers he had on the side. "I cannot recall how many times I cheated on her. I do know that I never wanted to cheat on her, however throughout the years I was faithful to yer Mam."

Declan gave his dad a questioning look. "What? Why?" Brendan knew what he meant.

"Son, please understand that living back then in Ireland was a lot more intolerant towards gays back then than they are now. And ye know as well as I do that they're still parts where they're very intolerant."

Declan nodded as he clarified. He thought he got it. "Lemme guess. Ye either had a feeling ye were gay or ye knew ye were gay, but due to yer upbringing and gettin' Mam pregnant with Niamh…" He paused. "Ye denied or tried yer best not to act on it and ye didn't act on it until ye went to manage that club in Liverpool." He was positive he got it. "Ye were faithful to Mam until Liverpool."

All Brendan could do was nod. "That is where I met my first male lover. Vincent. I treated the boy like crap. For a long time, I still wouldn't label or rather come out. And." The words were stuck. "And…"

"And jus' like with Ste; you abused him." Declan stated frankly. He wasn't dumb. He knew when he caught his dad hunched over a whimpering Ste that his dad abused Ste severely. "All because ye were a coward."

"Yes! Yes! I was a coward. I didn't know if I could tell yer Mam and ye. I wanted to. But my upbringing wouldn't let me." Brendan shouted at Declan in a stone-cold whisper. Declan recoiled. "All the fuckin' shit yer-Seamus-used to abuse me with. How was I supposed to tell ye with that entire cluster fuck in my past, Deccy?"

"I don't know, do I? But we both know that Mam would've forgiven ye. She always did, ye know it. I know it. Ye lied to Aunt Cheryl about her cheatin' on ye and she still gave ye a chance to be in me and Paddy's lives. She finds out about ye bein' gay when she walked in on ye and Ste makin' out and she still let me stay with ye…" Declan shook his head. He loved his dad and mam equally, but was his dad blind to see how many chances his mam gave him?! "And even after all that…she still gave ye chances to make amends and be there for me and Paddy, but ye never took it."

"I know, Deccy! Trust me; if I could I would change half the stuff I did." Brendan found himself wanting to finish his explanation. "As I was sayin' though, I kept denyin' it to myself. I couldn't be gay. It went against everything I was brought up to believe. Then yer Mam got pregnant with Niamh, we were forced to marry. Believe me when I say I did love yer Mam and I did care for her. But if I had the guts back then, I would've owned up and admitted that I was-am- gay and I would've told yer Mam the truth."

A puzzled look that morphed into recognition made itself known on Declan's face. "That's why ye beat up Ste time and again. Cause ye couldn't deal it or rather ye knew ye were gay, but were afraid what would Mam do if she found out and the others in the family."

Brendan huffed. "Spot on."

"Yeah, well we probably would've been shock, but we would 'ave come around. It wouldn't have taken long either." His voice broke into a tiny voice that Brendan had to strain himself to hear. "Da! We would've accepted ye. Paddy was and is still young. I accepted ye as ye were long ago." Declan refrained himself from saying the next name with malice. "Aunt Cheryl accepted ye. Ste wanted ye for a long time."

"I went to Liverpool to manage the club. I met Vinnie. He was a barman. A fling to get my fix with the same sex. He was just that…a fling."

"But ye confessed to murdering Danny, who they later found out, killed a man named Vincent…yer Vincent. Did-did this Vinnie mean more to ye? Like…Ste means to ye?" Declan was curious. His dad had a guilty look on his face.

Brendan shook his head in a negative fashion. "No, I was ne'er in love with him. Ste was and still is the love of my life. Wish I had met him sooner. He could have saved yer old man's soul sooner. Could've helped me to realize that I didn't need to push ye and yer Mam and Paddy away." He gave Declan a tired smile making his crow's feet a little pronounced.

It was his smile that made Declan's heart stop.

'_He shouldn't be 'ere.'_ was the worried thought running constantly through Declan's mind. He now knew of all the murders his dad confessed to, but he knew there was a reason. _'There's ne'er a reason for murder.' _

He cleared his throat and stated for his dad to continue while his mind loathe the thought of his dad stuck in prison for life.

Shaking his head to clear his thoughts he finally tuned back in to his dad.

"Vinnie, as I was sayin', was just a fling. I ne'er had sex with a guy before. He was my first male lover." Brendan did his best to force the lump in his throat down. "Then he started to think we could be more than…lovers…and at that point in time I realized mentally I was gay, but I wouldn't admit it and I was married to yer Mam. At that time and for long time until certain events forced me to finally admit out loud that I was gay when I started my whole relationship Ste…I wouldn't admit or I wouldn't accept the fact I was gay…not even in my head…though I did know." He sighed as he looked at his son, who was currently wide-eyed. "I hurt his feelings and treated him like shit to the point he made a pass at Danny Houston. Ye see, when Danny had visited 'ere, I had thought Vinnie died in an accident. It wasn't until he admitted to me that he killed Vinnie that I found out he killed Vinnie and staged it to look like an accident."

Declan could recognize the regret upon his dads face. "That's why ye killed him? Is that it?"

Brendan shook his head. "I killed him because he threatened Steven. We were at the club. Warren Fox and I were in the room with him. Then Danny threatened to hurt a loved one. At first I thought he meant ye and Paddy and yer Aunt Cheryl…" A deadly look made its way on Brendan's face. "And trust me, he was goin' to die either way if he ever had the thought to kill ye and Paddy or yer aunt. Then he threatened Steven. And I lost it. Danny pushed my limit by possibly threatening to harm ye and Paddy and yer Aunt Cheryl, but I was fallin' for Steven. Next thing I know I killed him. He was my first murder."

It was the last sentence that calmed Declan down. He had always wondered if his dad had killed more people without his mam knowing.

"So that means…?" He licked his dry, chapped lips as he tried to stutter out his understanding. He didn't have to continue.

Brendan looked at his son and nodded. "When yer Mam referred to my dodgy dealings back home was when I did drug deals. Though to be honest, that's not better."

"What about the other murders ye committed?" Declan asked. "I don't care for the Michael Cornus-or was it Cornish?- and I know e'erything about why you killed Simon Walker and why he wanted revenge on ye. And I already know that it was Aunt Cheryl who killed Granddad. Actually I do. I want to know why ye killed Mick and Grandnan Flo." He told his dad.

'_I can handle explainin' those two.'_ Brendan thought ruthlessly. He didn't regret killing his nan nor killing Joel's step-father.

He didn't waste any time. "Remember when I was in the hospital because of the explosion." Declan nodded. He remembered the call his mam got and the worry that filled him when he thought of his dad. Wondering how severe his injuries were. "I butchered Mick and killed yer Grandnan on that visit."

'_Didn't I stay with him sometime durin' then?'_ Declan questioningly thought. _'Pretty sure I had.'_

He focused on his dad, who kept on eyeing everything around them. As if he couldn't decide how to explain why he did what he did.

"Ye want the short version or the elaborate, long version?"

"Short."

Brendan wished he was allowed more movement. More space. All he could do was twiddled his hands and fingers, cross and uncross his legs, jiggle his feet, nod his head, and eye all over the place in this small visiting area. He felt as if he wasn't doing much movement. And he wasn't.

He wanted to let out all his emotions and all he could do is just fucking sit in a chair at a table with his son across from him when all he wanted to do was hold his son, flail his arms around…to just move to let out all his emotions.

He let out an angry huff of breath.

'_Might as well get it over with.'_ The sooner he was done, the sooner Declan would know everything.

"I witnessed Joel's-." He was cut off when Declan snorted and muttered _'figures'_ in a resentful tone. Brendan arched one of his eyebrows and made a note to ask his son about that response. "-stepdad, Mick, beating him up, and I encouraged Joel to take the power back. We followed Mick to Southport, where we dangled him off a lighthouse. Honest to God, we didn't mean to cause the sad piece of shit any harm, but Mick was grapplin' at me and the lad saved me by pushin' Mick off the lighthouse to his death."

Declan was silent and he swore he was going to remain silent until his dads explanation was done and over.

"Then I met yer Aunt Cheryl and yer Grandnan in Southport. Learnt she was dyin'. She wanted to visit the old holiday home one last time. Yet aunt caught me chopping up Mick's body. She was horrified. At the home, I started remembering the past there with yer Granddad. And-."

Brendan gripped the edge of the table with white knuckled hands. His nails digging into the plastic that went around the table. Sweat started to form and quickly made itself known to Declan.

'_Something ain't right.' _

"Da?" Brendan didn't respond to his sons worry. Declan clued in that whatever his dad needed to say wasn't coming out. He had a clue, but it was so hard to come to terms with. He pressed the issue. "And?" He asked softly.

"And I remembered when yer Granddad used to sexually abuse there."

A anguished and heartbreaking cry broke through Brendan's revere and as he looked up from where his bowed head and eyes looked, he was surprised to see Declan's face rapidly turn pale, eyes blown wide in anger and hurt, and tears made their way down his cheeks and into the crook of his neck.

Brendan wanted to hug his son and cry with him. It was taking everything in his being not to join his son crying. "Go on." Declan pleaded to Brendan. He knew he should explore the issue, but he knew he should ask later.

"Ye sure?"

"Yeah."

"I found Grandnan Flo knew and did nothing. She tried to apologize and she had the fuckin' nerve to ask me if that is the reason I am gay. I told her no; it's not the reason I'm gay. It's the reason I'm a fuckin' freak."

Declan attracts everybody's attention in the room by his angered shout. "Ye're not a freak, Da!" His voice wavers and completely breaks. He hasn't stopped crying and sniffling; trying with all his might to stifle his cries and whimpers, but the shock of what his dad went through was still sinking in his head, heart, soul, and mind. "Ye-ye're n-n-n-o-o-ot a freak. You're not."

Brendan glared at the others in the room to which they quickly looked away. Brendan still had the threatening factor down.

He was thrown when he felt Declan holding his face in his hands. "Ye're not a freak." Declan declared as he sniffed back snot that was making its way out of his nose.

Brendan didn't care about anyone else as he brought his own hand over to where his son was cupping one of his cheeks and placed it on top of Declan's hand. And he gave his son a watery smile.

"Ye'll ne'er know how much that mean to yer old man. Ne'er, Deccy." And in an unmanly gesture…he placed a kiss on the back of his sons' hand. It was a gesture that would definitely have Seamus calling him _'Brenda'_ and a _'faggot.'_

He told Declan as much. "What do ye expect, Da? He apparently was a sick bastard." Declan wetly muttered.

Brendan still has his hand over Declan's hand.

"Hey! Break it up you two!" The guard warned them.

Declan shook his head. He _needed_ this contact with his dad. "Please, look at him." He pleaded with the officer.

The officer looked at Declan instead and his eyes became sympathetic. "Alright, but I will be checking you two for anything illegal passing through."

The father-son duo nodded in agreement.

Brendan soothed out the veins in his sons hand as he continued onward. "We had a talk. I blamed her lack of action for my inability to be a father or to love anyone." He broke off. He knew his voice was going to choke and break down. Not even five seconds later, it did. "I told her that she was the person that took ye and Paddy, Cheryl, and Steven away because she did nothing."

He noticed Declan was starting to ease up and he knew it was due to him soothing his hand. "I became unhinged. She tried to hug me. I smothered her against my chest, cried over her body afterwards. And then I smashed up the house, which resulted in a leakin' gas pipe. That's how I got I injured."

Declan blinked. "Ye killed her because she didn't do shit. She didn't even try to help ye or tried to involve the cops?"

"Not just that, Deccy. The fact I always thought she ne'er knew. And then turns out she knew all along and let me suffer."

Declan didn't know how to feel. On one hand he understood the anger, yet there was never a reason to kill. But if he had been in his dads position, he honestly didn't know what he would have done.

"Now what was with that snarky 'figures' when I was talking 'bout Joel?" Brendan had a feeling what this was about. He always suspected Declan felt that way about Joel and now he regretted never talking shit out with Joel and Declan.

Anger clawed its way through Declan and then cold, numbing ice flowed through his veins. "I just-"He didn't know how to explain it. His irrational jealously with Joel had been something he kept under wraps and he had a feeling Ste knew. "Always resented the fact he lived with ye. And then there is me and Paddy…" He paused as he pushed the resentment and feelings of abandonment away. "In Dublin. He got to see ye e'eryday, while ye barely visited us."

Guilt churned in his belly and spread like wildfire throughout the rest of his body. "Deccy, I visited ye-" He was cut off by the harsh whisper of his son.

"Yeah, whenever things messed up around 'ere for ye or…" He flashed his eyes as they met his dads' saddened eyes. "When ye had to flee from a problem. Like Ste getting married. Basically anytime things got too much for ye. Ne'er that ye actually wanted to see me and Paddy."

Declan recoiled away from the table as Brendan barked out. "Now ye listen to me and ye listen good. I ne'er did anything I didn't want to do." He took in his sons disbelieving look. "Okay, let me rephrase that. I always want to see ye and Paddy. Whenever I left I always went to Dublin because I missed ye two. If I didn't miss ye two…don't ye think I could have went elsewhere?"

Declan shied away from his dads angered gaze. He shrugged, though he was in shock. He never thought of it like that before. "No, I guess not. Sorry."

Brendan nodded. "As ye should be for assuming."

Declan bowed his head. "I saw Ste." He knew he would get his dads' attention by the new topic.

Brendan raised his head and turned to face his son. He had been turned to study his fingernails after he cleared the air about his visits to Dublin. His heart skipped a beat and kicked into gear, racing at maximum speed. "How is he?" He voice sounded hoarse to him as if he was a weakling without knowing how Ste was coping after his arrest. "Does he know yer 'ere? In Hollyoaks?" He hoped his son went to Ste. He knew in his heart of hearts that Ste would take care of Declan with his life.

An arched eyebrow that was the exact replica of him was the response he received. Brendan huffed. Declan smirked which faltered into a saddened weak barely there smile.

"No, Da. I'm not stayin' with him. Don't ye think he would've been here with me if I was?" He replied in an icy tone. "He doesn't even know I'm in Hollyoaks. I have been able to sneak over here before without ye and Ste ever knowing."

"How is he?"

"How do ye think?" Declan exclaimed in a 'are-you-seriously-asking-me-that' tone. "From what I hear and from the little bit I've seen of him from afar not good." He wondered how he should tell his dad. Brutal and blunt. "I think he might be drug dealin'."

Brendan stopped breathing. He sighed and tried his best to take calming breaths. "Is he stupid? Why would he do that?!"

Declan snorted and rolled his eyes. "Are ye serious? Do ye really think he'd be copin' any better than me, Mam, and Paddy?" He shook his head as he saw the blank look on his dads' face. "Maybe he hopes he'll meet and mess with the wrong people and they'll hurt or kill him?" He nodded grimly as he saw the frightened recognition on his dad.

"Ye really think that?"

Brendan glanced up towards the grey drabbish ceiling, yet out of his peripheral vision saw his son nod.

Declan contemplated what he was about to say as he chewed on his stubbed cuticles. The more he thought on his Aunt Cheryl, the angrier he became. He tried to reigned his mixed, fast changing emotions in. His feelings in regards to his Aunt Cheryl were like a freight train churning at a fast speed. Never stopping. Never ending. "I'm not surprised."

Lines dented Brendan's forehead as he gave his son a questioning look. "Hmm?"

"I mean…" He looked down at his thumbs fiddling and twiddling. "…ye seem to only love Aunt Cheryl. Ne'er the rest of us like ye claim."

"What are ye goin' on about now?" Brendan was bewildered. He felt as if his son was bipolar. One minute he and Declan would be having a father-son moment after he clarified he did love him, then the next they were back to square one where Declan questioned his feelings. "I love ye all equally."

Declan's face turned red as he snapped his head up and gave his dad such a loathing gaze that Brendan took a large intake of breath and felt the need to push his chair away from the table. "I mean ye ne'er told anyone about what Seamus did to ye because ye didn't want it to get back to Aunt Cheryl. Wanted to protect her." Pain settled in his eyes as he glanced up at his dad. "But ye had two sons. Two fuckin' sons. And ye ne'er told Mam."

Brendan felt as if he had been hit with a large simmering frying pan while being raked over hot coals. "Deccy." He was wide-eyed. His son tended to be a curious, yet soft spoken lad. He never cursed. Well, he rarely cursed. "Me ne'er tellin' yer Mam about what my Da used to do to me had nothin' to do with yer Aunt Cheryl." He sputtered to a stop as he figured out the reason why Eileen and Declan wanted nothing to do with his baby sister. He shook his head as Declan gazed at him carefully.

Head tilted to the side, eyebrows meeting in the bridge of his nose. "Then why didn't ye tell her? I mean I get ye wanted Aunt Cheryl to keep that little fantasy ideal of Seamus…" His voice raised in anger and hurt. "But me and Paddy live in Ireland. Unprotected."

Brendan chewed on his bottom lip. "It was an oversight." He knew he had said the wrong thing when his sons eyes looked as if they were about to pop out of their eye sockets

"An oversight? Are ye serious?" Declan had his hands clenching on the tabletop to prevent him from hitting his dad. "Me and Paddy bein' protected was an oversight?! From the possibility of being raped by our granddad?!"

"I didn't think I needed to since I lived with ye until I started to manage the club in Liverpool and had to go back and forth between Dublin and Liverpool. I'm sorry, Deccy. I really am. Everything became tangled and caught that I couldn't unravel my head the majority of the time." Brendan exhaled a much needed breath.

Declan noticed that his dad paled and sweating profusely once again. "Where ye ever goin' to tell me? Mam? I'm not even goin' to ask if ye were goin' to tell Paddy? Why did ye tell Ste and Aunt Cheryl?"

Brendan shook his head in shame. Shame at himself for letting Declan and Padraig be anywhere near Seamus unprotected. "First, yer Aunt Cheryl didn't know. She found some film or something and that's how she found out. Second, Steven found out because I told him."

"That must've been why he called Mam's place and asked for us to come see ye. He must have just found out." Seeing the awed and disbelieving expression on his dads' face he decided to clarify. "Yeah, he called Mam's place and asked, practically begged for us to come see ye."

"I wish ye had. Nothin' more I love than spending time with ye and Paddy." Declan smiled at his dads response.

"Why didn't ye at least tell Mam?" He felt betrayed and afraid as he realized Seamus could've done anything to him when his mam sent him there.

Brendan blinked as he tried to push back his unshed tears. No matter how many times he told someone, it was never easy. He had only told Father Des and Steven and Cheryl found out in a horrific way. "Son, it is ne'er easy to tell the people ye loved that yer own father raped ye since ye were eight years old and until near adulthood."

Declan recoiled as his father continued to speak about the sexual and physical abuse he received from Seamus. Brendan revealed everything that needed to be said a long time ago. Everything that was long overdue. As truths came to light so did heart-wrenching feelings and emotions that had been kept inside for so long between father and son. The rapes, the abuse, why Brendan kept in from everyone, how much of the time he did want to tell someone but the shame and demons wouldn't let him, and more.

"….that ne'er went away." Much like he did in Dublin. He lifted his index finger to his temple, twirling it in a circular motion. "….Brenda….Brenda….Brenda." He choked out a sob. He couldn't see past his blurry tears.

The cords in Declans' neck were strained, his eyes red and puffy and swollen, while his face went white as loose-leaf paper. His lips were blue from being pursed throughout Brendan's story. He kept on shaking his head in a negative fashion due to denial, shock, anger, and hurt. "So…the reason ye…always didn't follow through with yer promises?"

"I ne'er thought I would be a good dad to begin with." Brendan sniffled. "My Da always haunted me. I swore to myself ye'd be better off without me."

"That's why I wanted ye to come to Ireland." Giving each other bittersweet smiles. Declans' chin wobbled as he finally succumbed to the tears that had long needed to be released. "I wanted to spend more time with ye. Gutted me when ye told Ste that yer won't follow through with it. Told Paddy on the sly that we'd finally have ye in our lives." Brendan felt his heart drop at that admission. Jesus. Paddy.

"I wanted to, but Cheryl and Steven held me back. I knew that at least with yer Mam ye'd be safe."

Declan was just about to ask Brendan something important, but the guard interrupted them. "10 minutes left."

"Why did ye take the rap for Aunt Cheryl? I mean ye finally had Ste and ye could've come to Dublin and could've persuaded Mam to let ye back into our lives? Why was it so important for ye to admit yer murders when ye and Aunt Cheryl could've just fuckin' lied?"

"Like what?"

"Like I dunno." Declan scrambled for a lie in his head. "Ye and Aunt Cheryl could've said ye thought Seamus was a robber or something and that one of ye reacted! They wouldn't have booked ye if ye thought Seamus was a robber."

Brendan slumped forward. _Why hadn't he thought of that? _

"Five minutes." The guard loudly proclaimed to the occupants of the room.

Brendan looked at his son. His boy. His pride and joy. "What are ye goin' to do after this all-revealing visit to yer old man?"

Declan chewed out his bottom lip, wondering how he should put this. "I want to go to Ste's and get answers from him as well. See if he'd let me stay with him?"

Brendan nodded. "Ye know that Steven cares for ye. He'll let ye stay with him." He didn't want to think on Ste. Didn't want to think Ste might have moved on from him.

Declan could read his mind. "Ye know Ste will never move on from ye. He loves ye. He could get married to some other guy and he'll still love ye. For Christ's sake, remember Doug? Tried to love him, but he could never fully give himself to his husband."

"Ye think so?"

Declan smirked. "Course I do. Da, can I ask ye for a favor?" He was a bit nervous.

"Depends on what it is, Deccy." Brendan told his son in a frank tone.

"Mam needs to know everything. What ye told me! I know it'll be hard on ye, but ye and Mam really need to wipe the slate clean and start again. And ye need to let Ste visit ye too. I've seen him a bit and I know while ye don't want him to see ye in here, not letting him is effecting him. Please, Da?!" He gave Brendan such a bare look that revealed all of his worries, anguish, pain, and conflict.

The dark-haired man thought on it. He took advantage of Eileen's love for him so many times and even after their split, she kept giving him chances. The hurt and pained look on her face when she caught him and Steven together for not being honest from the get-go. Then there was Steven, he needed to see him too. He missed him.

Blue and blue-green eyes locked and clashed as they looked at one another. Brendan had one condition. "I will." Declan gave him a smile so full of hope that it literally felt as if his heart burst and lifted up. "On one condition." The smile faltered and then came back.

Declan replied so pliant, so eager for a huge reconciliation. "Yeah, Da! Anything! Tell me and I'll do it."

Brendan quietly laughed though it was out of guilt. Guilt for not seeing how it was affecting Declan. He didn't even want to imagine how Paddy felt. "When ye go to Steven's I want ye to call yer Mam up and put her on speaker phone. Tell the both of them to be here for the next visitin' day. Ye can come if ye want."

"That's it?!"

Brendan nodded then hummed his agreement. "I think it's about time yer Mam and Steven try to get to know one another. And see if they could ever be friends. It's something I should've done a long time ago if I hadn't been so ashamed of myself being gay. "

"I agree."

The guard stepped forward in the center of the visiting area as he announced it was time to go.

Brendan and Declan stood up. It felt as if the weight of the world was no longer on their shoulders. Brendan came around to stand in front of his son.

They immediately latched on to one another, hugging each other so hard that they were almost cutting off each other's air supply.

Pulling back from one another as they gazed at each other with watery eyes and shaky, trembling smiles.

"I love ye, Deccy. Ne'er doubt that."

"I love ye too, Da!"

As he watched his son walk away, he felt the cold seeping back into his being.

"Da!"

Brendan looked at Declan, who smiled and proclaimed. "I'll always need ye." And with that Declan was guided out of the room, while Brendan felt himself being man-handled back into the hallway and into his cold, lonely cell.

_I can't wait for the next visit,_ came to his mind as he lay on the bed.

Soon after he fell asleep. Thoughts of his loved ones on his mind.

* * *

**This is my first Hollyoaks one-shot. I decided to do Brendan and Declan because I always adored their relationship, while it was rocky at best. I wanted Brendan to come clean to his son. Declan at least deserved to know why it was so hard for Brendan to be a good dad and he did try his best to be a good dad, but insecurities and demons got the better of him. **

**Personally, I am nervous about it because I think I went a bit out of character and a bit overboard with the accent. **

**READ AND REVIEW!**

**~Nim**


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